When Twins Fight: Why It Happens and What You Can Do

If you’re raising twins, chances are you’ve witnessed more than a few sibling battles—maybe even today. And if your twins never fight? Well… that might be a different challenge entirely 😉

Twin rivalry can be exhausting to navigate. The competition, the bickering, the "he got more than me!"—it can feel like you're managing a constant tug-of-war. But here’s the truth: rivalry between twins is not only common, it’s completely normal. In fact, it’s a sign that your twins are developing their sense of self.

Why Twins Fight More (or Differently)

Twins are born into a shared identity. Unlike other siblings, they start life in an incredibly close, almost symbiotic relationship—spending every moment together, even before birth. In the early years, many twins don’t yet fully understand that they are two separate individuals. They often see themselves as one unit.

As they grow and develop, a natural part of their emotional and cognitive growth is discovering where one ends and the other begins. That process—of building a separate identity—can be confusing, and even frustrating. Fighting becomes one of the ways twins begin to understand that they are not the same. When one has a toy and the other doesn’t, when one is chosen first and the other isn’t—it may be upsetting, but it’s also part of how they start to define themselves as individuals.

This means that for twins, rivalry isn’t just about closeness or comparison—it’s part of their identity formation.

What’s Behind the Fight?

On the surface, it might look like a fight over a toy or who got more attention. But underneath, it’s often something deeper: a developmental need to test and reinforce the idea of “me” versus “you.”

Twins want to know they are not only loved and valued—but that they are seen as two separate, important people. Fighting becomes one of the ways they try to prove that. “If I have it and you don’t, then I know I’m not just a copy of you—I’m my own person.”

As parents, recognizing this developmental need helps us respond with more empathy—and gives us an opportunity to support our twins in building both their individuality and their relationship with each other.

What You Can Do

The goal isn’t to eliminate all fighting (because that’s not realistic). Instead, it’s about helping your twins navigate conflict in healthier ways—and building an environment where competition doesn’t define their relationship.

Here are a few ways to start:

• See the Individual: Make time to acknowledge what makes each twin unique—their strengths, preferences, and emotions. Even small gestures can go a long way.

• Avoid Labels: Don’t fall into the “he’s the calm one, she’s the wild one” trap. Labels reinforce comparison and can limit how each child sees themselves.

• Teach Turn-Taking: This isn’t just about fairness—it’s about learning patience, empathy, and flexibility. All essential skills for lifelong relationships.

• Normalize Conflict: Let your twins know that getting mad at someone doesn’t mean you love them less. Siblings fight, and learning to make up is part of building a healthy bond.

• Don’t Compare: Easier said than done, right? But even subtle comparisons (who finished dinner faster, who cleaned up better) can fuel competition.

One Last Thought

You’re not failing because your twins fight. You’re parenting two very real, very complex human beings who just happen to have been born on the same day. Supporting them through their ups and downs is how you help them build the strong, connected relationship you hope they’ll have for life.